The OhSoBad Touch
by elsbian
Summary: Smutty oneshot. House bursts into Cuddy's office countless times a day, but what happens when for once it's not to do with the patient?


**Ok, smutty-ish oneshot. The idea was meant to be a lyric fic with lots of different songs, but I started with this song and couldn't help but finish it with this song too LOL. Enjoy!**

Cuddy sat at her desk attempting to concentrate on her work, but she had a strange gut feeling that something was about to happen, she just wasn't sure what exactly. She took in a deep breath and glanced up at the door. Silence. She sighed and looked back to the screen in front of her.

"You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel!" House sang as he burst through Cuddy's office door. He threw his cane to the side of the room as he flung his arms out to the side. He paused and waited for Cuddy to continue the song. "C'mon, you know the next line." He baited.

"It's the same line, dumbass." Cuddy sighed with a roll of her eyes.

He frowned and furrowed his brow. "Hmm, maybe I should have thought this one through..." He said, scratching his chin. After a few moments silence, House shut the door and stood in front of the desk.

"Yes?" Cuddy asked slowly.

"Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought." House smirked and gestured for Cuddy to continue.

"Me and you do the kind of stuff that only prince would sing about." Cuddy rolled her eyes again. As much as she hated to admit it, she loved playing this stupid games with House, they kept her sane when there was so much work to do. Well, as sane as any game could be when you were playing with House.

"So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts." House continued with a mischievous smile.

"Yes I'm siskel yes I'm ebert and you're getting two thumbs up." Cuddy returned the smile.

"You've have enough of two hand touch you want it rough you're out of bounds."

Cuddy placed her pen back down on the table in front of her and carried on the song as a sexy smile played across her lips. "I want you smothered want you covered like my Waffle House hash browns."

"Comin' quicker than Fed Ex, never reachin' apex."

Cuddy stood up and walked around to the front of her desk. "Just like coca cola stock you are inclined to make me rise an hour early just like daylight savings time."

"Do it now!" House shouted.

House and Cuddy both stood next to each other as they burst into the chorus of the song in unison.

"You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel! You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel!"

They laughed and went in the funky tune of the song before continuing the next verse.

"Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket." House sang, standing behind Cuddy as she flung her arms in the air and ground against his crotch.

"Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it." Cuddy sang, pressing her ass gently against House's crotch, knowing it would drive him wild, just the way she liked him.

"Hieroglyphics, let me be pacific, I wanna be down in your south seas but I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means small craft advisory." House managed to say as his eyes remained fixated down Cuddy's shirt and his hands found their way to her hips.

Cuddy had no idea what strange horny feeling had taken over her mind and body, but she loved it. The feeling of House's hard crotch pressed against her ass. The way his hands gripped her hips possessively as she ground against him. The way his hot heavy breath tickled her eat. The sound of his voice gruffly singing the lines of a very dirty song. Yeah, she loved it, more than anything else in the world.

"So if I capsize on your thighs high tide B-5 you sunk my battleship." Cuddy sang, placing her hands over House's and tilting her head backwards so that the crown of her head was now nestled comfortably between his chin and neck.

"Please turn me on I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip." House said into Cuddy's neck. His voice was a seductive combination of honey and gravel.

"So show me yours I'll show you mine, tool time, you'll love it just like Lyle."

"And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch X-Files." Cuddy said as House ran his tongue across the span of her neck.

"Do it now!" They screamed at the top of their lungs, losing all consciousness of the world around them.

"You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel!" They shouted, repeating it over and over until finally they exploded in a fit of giggles ad laughs.

House's hands wrapped around Cuddy's middle, his fingers entwined with hers. He pulled her against him and laughed softly into her ear, whilst listening to the sound of her happy giggles filling the room. After a few moments of laughter, they fell into silence. Cuddy twisted her head slightly so she could look into House's eyes.

"How'd you know I love that song?" She smiled.

"Everybody does." House answered, releasing her from his grip once he had savoured the feeling of her warm body clutched tightly to his.

"Fair enough." Cuddy turned her body completely to face House and splayed her fingers across his chest. "So-" She started, but she was cut off when House placed a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"I'll see you later." He whispered against her skin, and all she could do was nod and try to breathe as her heart thumped wildly in her chest. House pulled away and retrieved his cane from the side of the room before walking out, only to be confronted by a fairly large group of doctors and nurses, who were staring with wide eyes full of curiosity and wonderment.

"Hospital musical. We really needed to practise." He explained before walking off with a smug smirk.

**Great song eh? For those that don't know it, it's called 'The Bad Touch' by Bloodhound Gang.**


End file.
